Friday, August 30, 2013

A Guide to 'The Web of Spider-Dan's' Ratings and Rankings

Dear You,

In all honesty, I just need to put this post up so I can create a link to it. That way when you're reading my ratings or rankings you can step into my mind, and figure out if you should listen to me or not. I'm looking out for your best interests here. I'm just a really great guy, what can I say?

Also, because I'm super lazy and will just tell everyone to go look at this article whenever they want me to defend my ratings/rankings.

Lots and lots of nudity. Just straight up nudity all over this page.

A Guide to 'The Web of Spider-Dan's' Ratings and Rankings


Alright, so, every month I am going to put up television power rankings. These rankings are based off of my pure enjoyment of a show, specifically in it's current season. However, after analyzing my rankings, I noticed that this is not necessarily true. Yes, I try and base it off the current season, but, my overall appreciation for the show definitely comes into play.

When you enjoy something, odds are, you're going to continue enjoying it. Although I TRY to base it off the current season, my overall love for the show prevails. Look at 'How I Met' on my last ratings. I put it at #25. This is one of my favorite shows, ever. Last season, it really wasn't that great. Did I rank it lower than some other shows that were better than it? No. Why? Because it's 'How I Met Your Mother'. The same goes for a few other shows, 'Alway's Sunny', 'The League', 'South Park', I realllllly analyzed my rankings, and this is what I found:

I find that when a show becomes a favorite of mine, the worst garbage they put out is still more enjoyable to me than anything else on TV. My problem is that I feel that way about MANY shows, which makes it near impossible to rank. That is why these rankings are: Subject to immediate and drastic changes depending on my state of mind on a monthly basis.

Also, It's hard to combine Comedy and Drama into one overall ranking. People be all like, "Yo why you put Homeland down so far my Du?" And I'm like, "Because there is 8 fucking comedies ahead of it that I just enjoy more." Just because I rank a show low, doesn't mean I don't like it. I like a lot of shit and that's my problem (See 2nd half of this post for more on that one).

Rankings will be determined by the following criteria:

Overall love for the series.
Quality of current season.

Also note, that as I try to stay current with everything, some shows may begin to drop off my rankings if I was unable to keep up with them. This is usually a good indication that I'm not really digging that particular show. So, as the months go on, you will see some shows disappear and reappear, depending on my status with it.


Look, I'm not a cynical person. I'm generally a happy fuck. I don't like being a cynic, and truthfully I don't want to be. I know in order to be a "good critic" you need to bash shit, hate on things and basically just mean-mug the fuck out of movies. But, I'm just not like that. I've considered doing a review site like this for many years. What stopped me is my love and passion for most things I see. Is this really a bad thing? I mean, seriously, why do we have to hate on shit so much? I at least try and enjoy it.

For example, I fucking HATE 'Twilight.' It's awful. I saw the 3rd one in the movies with my sister, and I cracked up throughout the whole movie, thoroughly enjoying the disaster before my eyes. By the end of the movie, I had rows of people laughing right along with me. It was funny shit, and I enjoyed making fun of it. I'd like to believe that I made every man there actually enjoy their time. Especially those Dad's that were dragged there by their prepubescent daughters who have yet to understand the reasons why they need this movie like crack.

My point is, let's all stop being so cynical, and let's all stop hating so much. It's bad for you, it's bad for the people around you, and it's bad for your skin (Girls just freaked the fuck out - It's not actually bad for your skin, girls.) I stopped myself from being a critic all these years, simply because out of the thousands of movies I've seen over the years, I just can't bring myself to hate on most things. I feel as if most reviewers go into the movie with such an angst-y feeling, and ask the movie to win them over. I don't do this. I start a movie and try to enjoy it right away, if it fails, it fails. Which brings me to my ratings system.

These are things I take into consideration when rating a movie:

What is the genre? 
What type of movie is it?
Is it thought provoking? (i.e. 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind')
Is it a turn off your brain film? (i.e.' Fast and the Furious' franchise)
Is it a "Good Bad Movie"? (i.e. 'Judge Dredd', 'Troll 2', 'Road House')
What are my emotions when watching?
How is the acting?
How is the writing?
How is the directing?
How is the cinematography, editing, etc.?
Is this an award winning movie?
Historical significance?
Importance in cinema?
Cultural impact?
Would I see this again?
Would I recommend this to a mass audience or a select group?
Would I buy it on Blu-Ray? 
Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera.
These are just a some things I think about, there are many, many other things that come into play.

I take all of this into consideration when giving my ranking.

So, if you see a movie like, 'Road House' get a 9.5 and a movie like 'The Godfather' get a 10, now you know why. They are not comparable to each other. 'Road House' is one of my favorite "good bad movies" of all time, and I rate it according to that classification. I am in no means saying that 'Road House' is better than 'The Godfather', I am simply saying that for the type of movie it is, this is the rating it gets.

Ratings and recommendations are based on the following 10-point scale:

0.0-5.0 - These are really awful movies that I would not advise you to see. I hated these movies and wish I never saw them.

5.0-6.9 - These still suck, but are not as bad as the lower ranked ones. I still would not recommend these.

7.0-7.9 - I enjoyed these movies. They weren't bad, but they weren't necessarily good. These are my "on the fence" recommendations.

8.0-8.9 - I lump a ton of movies in this category. As I said, I like a lot of shit and this is usually where it ends up. Anything in this scale I would definitely recommend seeing.

9.0-10 - Must-see movies. These are my favorite movies. Unlike other review sites, wherein rarely anything gets over a 9.0, my site will feature many scores in this range. I tend to love and be passionate about a lot of movies and if that occurs, this is where you will find them.

Most reviews I do on this site are going to be on the high side because it is my site and I'm going to want to write about stuff I enjoy and want you to enjoy. I only have a limited amount of time every week to do these posts, so they will usually be about stuff I enjoy. I'm sure I will post negative reviews and stuff on here from time to time, because I do hate on some things too. But, for the most part, this is going to be a happy site with generally positive things to say, because I am, in fact, a generally positive person.

This is a nontraditional review site and the more you understand my ratings and rankings, the easier it will be for you to know when you should or should not listen to my bullshit. Join me in my fight for optimism. The world needs it.

My Favorite Optimist

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