Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Nerd-ology 101: Spoilers

Sup, sup, guyz?! So, like, I totes love that Breaking Bad show. LIKE LITERALLY! - Stop it. - I just, like, can't even handle how good it iz. OK, Blogger peepz. That's all for 2day, TTYL, Luv Yas!"  

Imagine if I blogged like that? 

That's actually kind of funny. Maybe I'll do some kind of "Dumb Internet Girl Movie Review Segment" on here. Throw some Saturday Night Live-style sketch comedy blogging into the mix here at The World Wide Web of Spider-Dan. Let's just get fucking wild, right?!

Also, I would like to apologize for continual site maintenance, name changes and such. Web design is a pain in my ass. I just want to write words and make you see them...

Ok, now that my personal note to you is out of the way. Let's begin class. 

Welcome to The Web of Spider-Dan's first ever,

"Nerd-ology 101"

So, take a shower, fix your glasses and turn off that episode of 'Firefly' you've seen 76 times. It's over. It's not coming back. Move on with your life. (Cut to image of 'Firefly' obsessed kid, sitting in the dark, creepily stroking the hair of a clearly sexually abused Inara doll, saying, in the most Wormtongue-esque voice,  "Never! Browncoats forever!…")

It's 2013 guys. Information moves, and it moves fast. We're a culture of instant gratification. Want the answer to any question? Google it, You have it. Don't know how to tie a tie? You Tube it, You learned it. We're also a culture that needs to broadcast our personalities, our thoughts and our lives, as they are happening, up to the minute. Why? Because, for the first time in the history of our existence on this Earth, we are able to be connected to each other, constantly, no matter where on the planet you may be. Think about that. That's pretty fucking wild. It's no wonder why we are, the way we are. It's that need for an instant conversation, or piece of information; and the internet is the place to find and share it with whoever is looking.

Let's focus on spoilers, though. 

Today, I was presented with an interesting situation. A friend of mine, @itsthemattyd #Shoutout, told me about his dilemma with my blog. He said, "Danny, your blog is terrible. I'm never going to click your stupid links, ever. Stop spamming the shit out of me. I've had enough. Fuck you, and fuck your family." (He did not say any of this to me) However, he did tell me that he has chosen to wait until 'Breaking Bad' finishes it's season so he can binge-watch it all at once. I, as a fan of binge-watching myself, respect this decision - As it is with the way we like our steaks, we all enjoy watching television differently. Although I'm defending your decision, @itsthemattyd , you must know that with it, you need to #TreadLightly (wink at audience) on the web.  

As soon as you finish the latest episode or the newest movie, what is the first thing you do? Head to the web. What are people saying? What am I going to say? What am I feeling? People search the web looking for thoughts and reactions. Trying to find the words to describe their feelings. They come looking for the answer about that scene they were confused about, or try to make sense of their emotions by hearing someone else say it for them. They want to talk, communicate and share their thoughts, ideas, predictions, and many want to be the first one to it. 

The internet is full of instant, next-minute material for viewers to chow down on, like vultures. It's hard to avoid seeing spoilers on the web if you don't view something as it airs, or at the midnight screening. Should these people be denied a place to go, to discuss and express themselves, because you were working late and had to DVR it? No. The internet is a place for everybody, and they are allowed their space to do as they please. However, you also, shouldn't be subjected to it.

That said, today's lesson is on:

Proper Spoiler Etiquette On the Internet and In Real Life

For those of you that don’t know (Really, guys?)  – A spoiler is defined by Urban Dictionary as, “When someone reveals a previously unknown aspect of something which you likely would have rather learned on your own.”

Before I give you some rules, let me tell you what kind of "spoilers" are OK, as it pertains to me and this blog:

  • Discussing casting news and plot details is OK by me. Not specific plot details, but a general synopsis. In order to talk about this stuff, these very "mild spoilers" are necessary. Personally, I wouldn't even call them spoilers, though some would.

Here are some general rules to live by:

  • The first and most important rule is: Be mindful of others.

  • When discussing the latest movie or TV episode with your friends, ask them if they’ve seen it before you begin spewing shit out of your mouth, please. Don’t make your friends hate you.

  • This one is a biggie. When posting statuses on Facebook, or Tweeting, DO NOT SAY FUCKING SPOILERS! You are subjecting every one of your friends/followers to seeing that post on their news feeds, without any warning. This is unavoidable to the innocent bystander who scrolls through their feed out of boredom, when they come across, You, the asshole, posting a status about the big shocking reveal just moments after it airs. You are not the coolest person in the world, SPOILER ALERT, You suck.

But, what is the time line for spoilers though? When can you publicly discuss said spoilers?

This varies from person to person, but, here's my take:

Snape kills Dumbledore, bitches.

Did you not know that? Are you upset with me now? You shouldn't be. Here's why:

  • When it comes to major spoilers, I'd say there is a window of about 2 years before they can be assumed as public knowledge. If you don't see it within that window of time, you obviously didn't care much. It's your own choice, and you are susceptible to any spoilers you may see or hear regarding the source material. It's 2013, 'The Sixth Sense' came out 14 years ago, whether you've seen it or not, it is public knowledge that he's a ghost. Sorry, but that's just the way it works.

This standard timeline rule applies for all movies. Television works a little differently:

  • As far as TV goes, this 2 year window is applied AFTER the SERIES is finished. Don't ever spoil prior seasons before the series, as a whole, is finished. You never know who is going to pick it up from the middle, or after it has finished airing. People should be allowed to do this, without you ruining it for them.

And book people...

  • Never, ever, EVER spoil a book. You never know when/if it will be adapted into film or TV. So just keep it to yourself and the others that have also read. I'm talking to you 'Song of Ice and Fire' readers. We get it. You read the book. You know what's going to happen. Shut up, and let me find out on my own. Our generation just doesn't read anymore. It's a shame, but it's the truth. (I am currently reading 'A Song of Ice and Fire', so I know that not all fans are like this, but, they are out there.)

Let me give you an example of BAD spoiler etiquette, perpetrated by 'The Big Bang Theory'. Last season, in the episode entitled "The Spoiler Alert Segmentation", Sheldon reveals spoilers about 'Harry Potter' and 'The Walking Dead'. The 'Potter' part abides by my societal rules, however, 'The Walking Dead' spoiler was fucked up. If you haven't seen Season 3 of 'The Walking Dead' there is a shocking moment; those of you who have seen it, know what I'm talking about. 'Big Bang' revealed this spoiler, only a couple of months after the episode aired. Before it had even finished airing the second half of the season! This is a no-no 'Big Bang'. If I was choosing to binge-watch, or wait for the Blu-Ray, I would have been pissed.

  • And finally, to the writers/bloggers/informational sources out there:  USE "SPOILER ALERT" when discussing spoilers. Also, give the reader a comfortable amount of space before revealing the spoiler. Don't just say SPOILER ALERT and then say the spoiler, you fucking moron. People will naturally continue reading, or at least see the text they may not want to see.

So, be assured if I am discussing spoilers, I will always notify you with a spoiler alert. I want this site to be accessible to everyone, but I will also cater to those who are current with what I'm current with.

These are my rules, and I will abide by them.

I hope you all enjoyed your first class in "Nerd-ology: 101" For more lessons, stay tuned in to 'The Web'.

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