Sunday, September 8, 2013

'The Web's' 2013 Fantasy Football Team: Movie Edition

Ladiessss andddd Gentlemennn (best megaphone voice),

Welcome to the unveiling of the 'The Web's' 2013 Fantasy Football team. With the start of the 2013-2014 NFL season (finally) upon us, I thought it'd be fun for us to take a look at what an optimal fantasy football lineup would look like if you used only fictional players. The results were incredible, and I'm feeling more confident than ever to start my road to the Fantasy Football championship. So, before you get consumed by every moment of the opening day games, hoping for your irrational scenarios to play out in front of you so you can get that fantasy W, and go into the next week of your life happy and optimistic before the harsh reality of a fantasy loss eventually comes your way, causing you severe and intense depression that leaves you paralyzed to do any work other than researching and tweaking your lineup every minute of every day, over-analyzing every move until the following Sunday where you repeat it all over again. Ah, the beauty of Fantasy Football season. So, while you're fixated with one eye on the NFL RedZone channel and the other on your fantasy match up, take a break and realize your team epically fails in comparison to the GREATEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OF ALL-TIME! 'The World Wide Web of Spider-Dan's', 2013 Fantasy Football team:


Quarterback: Shane "Johnny Utah" Falco

In the most amazing scientific breakthrough of the 21st century, two of our times greatest quarterbacks were morphed together into one elite football star. Remarkably, even after the body transfer was complete, the two Quarterbacks were almost spitting images of their former selves. Technology is truly spectacular. Shane Falco, of 'The Replacements' has just the type of QB mentality The Webslingers were looking for to lead them to a championship. Combine that with 'Point Break's' Johnny Utah's skill level (a skill he honed in on while he was the star quarterback at the Ohio State University before joining the FBI) and you have yourself the league's top quarterback. 

WR: Rod Tidwell

The Webslingers snagged this talent early and certainly showed this man the money.  With one of the leagues top agents in 'Jerry Maguire', Rod Tidwell was an easy sell as our teams #1 receiver.

WR2: Charlie Tweeder

After a rough start with the West Canaan Coyotes in 'Varsity Blues', mainly due to his off-the-field antics, Charlie Tweeder has developed himself as a solid WR2 option.

RB: Julian "J-Man" Washington

The Webslingers #1 running back, and most flashy player. Although he believed he should have been the #1 pick, he is willing to work hard to rid himself of the chip on his shoulder. He is constantly att odds with the head coach to get more carries on 'Any Given Sunday', in this Utah-Falco heavy offense.

RB2: James "Boobie" Miles

A star in the making, Boobie Miles was the most coveted rookie in this years draft. He landed himself a contract with The Webslingers straight out of high school, defying all the standards and practices of the NFL, it's time to say goodbye to the 'Friday Night Lights' and see what this young man can do in the pros.

FLEX: Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger (WR/RB)

This is the true story of hard work and dedication. 'Rudy' continued his "Little Engine That Could" mentality after his years at Notre Dame and never gave up. He landed himself a spot on The Webslingers roster because he showed great promise in a utility position. With his new abilities as a scrappy slot receiver and acute accuracy in trick runs, Rudy is a sleeper pick to produce big numbers this year. 

TE: Thad Castle

In one of the most major position changes in football history, Thad Castle joins the team as a Tight End. Spending his college years as the star middle line backer at 'Blue Mountain State', Thad was spotted by The Web's GM as someone who could fit the role of a top 5 fantasy TE.


K: Nigel "The Leg" Gruff

The foul-mouthed, alcoholic, Irish kicker of 'The Replacements'. After showcasing his kicking ability as a scab, we here at The Web felt that he was ready to step up to the big time, after recovering from his fortunate injury.

South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs

Led by Middle Line Backer, Bobby Boucher, the teams 'Waterboy'. The Mud Dogs not only look to win the Bourbon Bowl this year, but the Fantasy Football championship as well. As always, the Mud Dogs are poised for another record-breaking year in sacks.


QB: "Steamin" Willie Beaman

Upset with his backseat position to the freak hybrid quarterback, Willie is ready and willing to take the start as the teams extremely talented backup on 'Any Given Sunday'.

QB: Jonathon "Mox" Moxon

Though it's unlikely that Mox will get to see the starting roster, giving him some Junior-'Varsity Blues', he exerts the spirit that is much needed in the locker room. He is also well-know around the locker room for his work with whipped cream.


RB: Petey Jones

We will always 'Remember the Titans', but this young man exemplifies all the model characteristics of a high caliber athlete, and more importantly, well respected man. He is eager to get his shot to shine.

RB: Al Bundy

Veteran Full Back, Al Bundy may be on his way out after facing injuries his entire career, never making it out of high school ball and being 'Married With Children'. The GM thought he'd take a shot on the old man for that much needed older voice in the locker room.

WR: Radon Randell

Another College All-star QB turned pro WR. Radon Randell spent one season at 'Blue Mountain State'. Because of his ego problems, Radon is riding the bench to start the season. 

TE: Flash Gordon

After saving the planet from the evil Emperor Ming, 'Flash Gordon' has come back as this team's backup TE. Though there are rumors the New York Jets are looking to reclaim the Savior of the Universe as their starting QB for the upcoming season.

WR: Alex Moran

Alex Moran could not be happier with his bench spot. However, getting drafted as a WR instead of a QB, Moran is likely to see some game time, something he may not be looking forward to after his days binge-drinking at 'Blue Mountain State'.

Head Coach: Tony D'Amato

After his time with the Miami Sharks and the New Mexico Aztecs, Coach D has his sights set on a championship for The Webslingers. With some of the most motivational halftime speeches in the history of the game, he makes his players believe that on 'Any Given Sunday' anything is possible.

Assistant Coach: Coach Klein

With his playbook glued to his hand, Coach Klein looks to help Coach D take these players in interesting ways with his coveted secret plays. The same plays that made his teams 'Waterboy' a star.

General Manager: Lance Harbor

After a career-ending injury in high school, former All-Star Quarterback got rid of his 'Varsity Blues' the best way he knew how; by becoming a successful billionaire playboy. No injury could stop this young mans destiny for greatness. He is ready to take his first professional team ever straight to victory as he believes he has put together one hell of a squad.

Hope you all liked the farce.

Enjoy the games and good luck to everyone this 2013-2014 NFL Fantasy Football Season! 



  1. Dude where is megget (nelly)?? Put him at flex

  2. Haha! Missed that one! I'll have to claim him off waivers...