Whodunit? 'Breaking Bad'

'Web' Followers,

Today 'The Web' takes its first step into further development, as I would like to introduce everyone to the newest addition to the team, 'The Web's' newest writer, Brian Charles Xavier Lusto, who will now be known as The Professor. The Professor will be integral in the day-to-day operations of the content produced at 'The Web' and on the Facebook Page. He is now an admin to the Page, so make sure to catch his posts and say Hi! I am happy to welcome him and look forward to building a much more successful and entertaining site for all of you to come to. So, without further ado, here is the first post from The Professor, "Whodunit? 'Breaking Bad'"



As are my rules with spoilers, if you have not seen the episode of 'Breaking Bad' entitled, "To'hajiilee", DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!
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 WARNING! SPOILERS!

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Whodunit? Breaking Bad

by The Professor

Class is in session! Prepare to have your eyes opened and your brains teased in this week's speculation heavy 'Breaking Bad' centric post.

We’re more than halfway through this half of this ‘Half Season’ (Fractions, Bitch!) and with only three episodes left of ‘Breaking Bad’ the questions I’m sure that are on everyone’s mind are: Who’s gonna’ make it and who won’t?

At this point in the series I think it’s safe to say that one character that will, without a doubt, meet his end is the protagonist turned anti-hero, Walter Hartwell White. However, there are plenty of people who want him dead. With this in mind, the question evolves from “Will he make it?” into “Who’ll-do-it?” territory, not to mention the where and how.

Let’s explore the options, Clue-style! 

Walt, In the Emergency Room, With a Tumor

No. But, hey, if none of the following happen, he still has cancer, guys!

 

 
All kidding aside, here are some semi, if not, completely viable scenarios where Walt meets his doom

Hank, In the Desert, With a Gun

Granted this one is a simple, standard and boring scenario, I cannot overlook it as a possibility. Of course, it relies on Hank surviving the big shootout that occurred in the last 3 minutes of the most recent episode. However, I don’t think he will.

We know Walt escapes, but if Hank does live, will allowing Walt to slip through his fingers enrage Hank to the point where if he gets a second chance to nab his brother-in-law that he’ll shoot him instead of capturing him? Maybe. Hank has broken enough bad to do whatever it takes to get him. Walt’s escape might put Hank over the edge and the next time they see each other, he may put a bullet in his head.

I personally don’t think the show will go there. Like I said above, it’s too simple of an ending for a show that once linked Meth dealing to a plane crash.

Jesse, Who-Cares-Where, With a Gun

Another simple way for Walt to go out. One too obvious to end up happening

Yeah, Jesse has every reason to kill his former mentor, but I believe he would rather see him get locked up than die. Jesse’s story arc is that of redemption, for him to be the one to kill him would be detrimental to his character arc.

Jesse's new addiction, gotta have his pops

Uncle Jack, In the Desert, With an Army of Neo-Nazis

From the first episode of the first half of the 5^th season, we know Mr. White/Lambert is packing some serious heat. For the first time this season, I have cause to believe he’ll unload it on Uncle Jack, ‘Scarface’ style.

Based on what we saw during ‘To’hajiilee’, we know Lydia’s current operation is having issues with quality control, putting Walt in a spot to reluctantly agree to one more cook in exchange for a hit on Jesse Pinkman. Uncle Jack obviously got the scary gene (homozygous recessive, bitches) considering his nephew is a huge derp. We also know he is a capable killer (even if he doesn’t do it himself), so to assume that the final faceoff will, at least, include Uncle Jack is a safe assumption.

AH DERRRRRR

Even though I believe Walt’s trunk full of weapons and ammo is meant for Uncle Jack, I don’t believe that Walt will be slain by him. No, the only person who could kill Walter White is…

Mrs. White, In the Solar, With the Lead Pipe

Totally kidding…

Skyler won’t do it. I only included this because, as it turns out, Mrs. White is an actual name of one of the characters in the board game ‘Clue’. Coincidence, or are you in my head Mr. Gilligan?

Alas, the one person I believe will kill Walter White is…

"Somebody get me my pants..."

Walter White, In the Desert, With the Ricin

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN

As I mentioned before, I believe the guns in Walt’s trunk (the guns acquired in the first flash forward this season) are an indication that he will be facing off with Uncle Jack and his cronies, come the final scene. But what about the second flash forward? If you’ve been smoking too much meth and you can’t remember, I’m talking about the scene where Future Walt goes to his abandoned house to get the hidden vial of ricin.

If you put the two in sequence it seems as if Walt has a plan. Here’s what I think it is:

Plan A: Walt confronts Uncle Jack and attempts to kill him and his crew with his heavy-ass artillery.

Now remember, Uncle Jack needs Walt alive, so if Walt fails to kill everybody in sight he’ll be back to where he was in seasons 3 and 4 (being forced to cook despite reaching his financial goal). So, if his final stand results in a failure I think Walt will have to implement his backup plan.

Plan B: Swallow the vial of Ricin

It’s no secret that Walt wants to be in control, he has said so on a few occasions (Remember the Talking Pillow?), so it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that Walt would rather take his own life, rather than being forced to live a certain way. Besides, if you think back to the Pilot, he already made an attempt on his life once before. His goal has been accomplished (assuming the DEA doesn’t seize the money) and if Walt’s dead the Neo-Nazis won’t have any reason to come after his family. In this way, Walt kind of gets a happy ending; he dies on his own accord and in the process solidifies his role as the protectorate of his family, both financially and from any further harm.   

Now, I think it’s important to note that all of this is complete speculation, and there are plenty of characters I didn’t mention. I chose to omit them because I can’t come up with a viable scenario where they are the ones to kill Walter.

Sorry R.J. Mitte, looks like your entire purpose in the show was to eat breakfast. Hell, not a bad gig. 

There you have it, my first post here at 'The Web'. Agree, disagree, did I leave anyone out? Feel free to let me know in the comment section below.

Until next time readers, stay classy. 

'The Web's' 2013 Fantasy Football Team: Movie Edition

Ladiessss andddd Gentlemennn (best megaphone voice),

Welcome to the unveiling of the 'The Web's' 2013 Fantasy Football team. With the start of the 2013-2014 NFL season (finally) upon us, I thought it'd be fun for us to take a look at what an optimal fantasy football lineup would look like if you used only fictional players. The results were incredible, and I'm feeling more confident than ever to start my road to the Fantasy Football championship. So, before you get consumed by every moment of the opening day games, hoping for your irrational scenarios to play out in front of you so you can get that fantasy W, and go into the next week of your life happy and optimistic before the harsh reality of a fantasy loss eventually comes your way, causing you severe and intense depression that leaves you paralyzed to do any work other than researching and tweaking your lineup every minute of every day, over-analyzing every move until the following Sunday where you repeat it all over again. Ah, the beauty of Fantasy Football season. So, while you're fixated with one eye on the NFL RedZone channel and the other on your fantasy match up, take a break and realize your team epically fails in comparison to the GREATEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OF ALL-TIME! 'The World Wide Web of Spider-Dan's', 2013 Fantasy Football team:

"THE WEBSLINGERS"

Quarterback: Shane "Johnny Utah" Falco

In the most amazing scientific breakthrough of the 21st century, two of our times greatest quarterbacks were morphed together into one elite football star. Remarkably, even after the body transfer was complete, the two Quarterbacks were almost spitting images of their former selves. Technology is truly spectacular. Shane Falco, of 'The Replacements' has just the type of QB mentality The Webslingers were looking for to lead them to a championship. Combine that with 'Point Break's' Johnny Utah's skill level (a skill he honed in on while he was the star quarterback at the Ohio State University before joining the FBI) and you have yourself the league's top quarterback. 

WR: Rod Tidwell

The Webslingers snagged this talent early and certainly showed this man the money.  With one of the leagues top agents in 'Jerry Maguire', Rod Tidwell was an easy sell as our teams #1 receiver.











WR2: Charlie Tweeder

After a rough start with the West Canaan Coyotes in 'Varsity Blues', mainly due to his off-the-field antics, Charlie Tweeder has developed himself as a solid WR2 option.














RB: Julian "J-Man" Washington

The Webslingers #1 running back, and most flashy player. Although he believed he should have been the #1 pick, he is willing to work hard to rid himself of the chip on his shoulder. He is constantly att odds with the head coach to get more carries on 'Any Given Sunday', in this Utah-Falco heavy offense.














RB2: James "Boobie" Miles

A star in the making, Boobie Miles was the most coveted rookie in this years draft. He landed himself a contract with The Webslingers straight out of high school, defying all the standards and practices of the NFL, it's time to say goodbye to the 'Friday Night Lights' and see what this young man can do in the pros.
















FLEX: Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger (WR/RB)

This is the true story of hard work and dedication. 'Rudy' continued his "Little Engine That Could" mentality after his years at Notre Dame and never gave up. He landed himself a spot on The Webslingers roster because he showed great promise in a utility position. With his new abilities as a scrappy slot receiver and acute accuracy in trick runs, Rudy is a sleeper pick to produce big numbers this year. 











TE: Thad Castle

In one of the most major position changes in football history, Thad Castle joins the team as a Tight End. Spending his college years as the star middle line backer at 'Blue Mountain State', Thad was spotted by The Web's GM as someone who could fit the role of a top 5 fantasy TE.















 

K: Nigel "The Leg" Gruff

The foul-mouthed, alcoholic, Irish kicker of 'The Replacements'. After showcasing his kicking ability as a scab, we here at The Web felt that he was ready to step up to the big time, after recovering from his fortunate injury.















DEF:  South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs

Led by Middle Line Backer, Bobby Boucher, the teams 'Waterboy'. The Mud Dogs not only look to win the Bourbon Bowl this year, but the Fantasy Football championship as well. As always, the Mud Dogs are poised for another record-breaking year in sacks.











 
BENCH:

QB: "Steamin" Willie Beaman

Upset with his backseat position to the freak hybrid quarterback, Willie is ready and willing to take the start as the teams extremely talented backup on 'Any Given Sunday'.













 
QB: Jonathon "Mox" Moxon

Though it's unlikely that Mox will get to see the starting roster, giving him some Junior-'Varsity Blues', he exerts the spirit that is much needed in the locker room. He is also well-know around the locker room for his work with whipped cream.







 

RB: Petey Jones

We will always 'Remember the Titans', but this young man exemplifies all the model characteristics of a high caliber athlete, and more importantly, well respected man. He is eager to get his shot to shine.










RB: Al Bundy

Veteran Full Back, Al Bundy may be on his way out after facing injuries his entire career, never making it out of high school ball and being 'Married With Children'. The GM thought he'd take a shot on the old man for that much needed older voice in the locker room.






WR: Radon Randell

Another College All-star QB turned pro WR. Radon Randell spent one season at 'Blue Mountain State'. Because of his ego problems, Radon is riding the bench to start the season. 













TE: Flash Gordon

After saving the planet from the evil Emperor Ming, 'Flash Gordon' has come back as this team's backup TE. Though there are rumors the New York Jets are looking to reclaim the Savior of the Universe as their starting QB for the upcoming season.












WR: Alex Moran

Alex Moran could not be happier with his bench spot. However, getting drafted as a WR instead of a QB, Moran is likely to see some game time, something he may not be looking forward to after his days binge-drinking at 'Blue Mountain State'.









Head Coach: Tony D'Amato

After his time with the Miami Sharks and the New Mexico Aztecs, Coach D has his sights set on a championship for The Webslingers. With some of the most motivational halftime speeches in the history of the game, he makes his players believe that on 'Any Given Sunday' anything is possible.












Assistant Coach: Coach Klein

With his playbook glued to his hand, Coach Klein looks to help Coach D take these players in interesting ways with his coveted secret plays. The same plays that made his teams 'Waterboy' a star.













General Manager: Lance Harbor

After a career-ending injury in high school, former All-Star Quarterback got rid of his 'Varsity Blues' the best way he knew how; by becoming a successful billionaire playboy. No injury could stop this young mans destiny for greatness. He is ready to take his first professional team ever straight to victory as he believes he has put together one hell of a squad.







Hope you all liked the farce.

Enjoy the games and good luck to everyone this 2013-2014 NFL Fantasy Football Season! 

 

Top 25 Supporting Characters in 'Futurama'

It's been an interesting journey for the Planet Express crew in the 31st Century. Beginning on Fox in 1999, by creator Matt Groening ('The Simpsons') 'Futurama' lasted 5 seasons, originally cancelled in 2003. The show would live on through four direct-to-video feature lengths ('Bender's Big Score', 'The Beast with a Billion Backs', 'Bender's Game' and 'Into the Wild Green Yonder'). Comedy Central would resurrect the series in 2010 giving 'Futurama' a little more room to breathe, without the FCC pressure on network television. This "rebirth" was quite a success as it ran for 52 episodes, ultimately ending in it's second cancellation just last week. With the series concluded (again) I want to take a look back over the past 140 episodes and remember some of the lesser known characters that made us laugh throughout the years.

"The Top 25 Best Supporting Character's in 'Futurama'"

Before I begin, this is In Memoriam to the fallen Planet Express crew:

(Left to Right)
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth
Doctor John A. Zoidberg
Turanga Leela
Bender Bending Rodriguez
Philip J. Fry
Amy Wong
Hermes Conrad



We will all dearly miss the Planet Express crew, and this post should not take away from the greatness of the main cast. They were the heart and soul of the show. Their exploits and adventures were what kept us coming back. Their relationships and lives are what kept us interested. But, it is certainly safe to say that without the following list of characters, some of the greatest 'Futurama' moments would have never existed. This is a salute to the characters we may not have seen much (some only once) but when we did, they left their mark.

All the following characters are great, though this is how entertaining I find them.


#25 Reverend Lionel Preacherbot

He is your stereotypical Southern Evangelist. Leader of the Church of Robotology. He is an active opponent of Robosexuality (the love between a robot and a human) but is secretly a Robosexual himself.







#24 Joey Mousepad

Part of the Donbot's Robot Mafia, Joey Mousepad is your typical big, dumb, tough-guy Italian mobster; voice, mannerisms and style included (mousepad/mouse gold chain necklace).






Memorable Quotes:
"Yo! There's our pigeon now. Let's shoot bullets out of our guns."
"Yo! The Mafia supports you. But don't tell no one. Spread the word."






#23 Leonardo da Vinci

Leonard da Vinci was featured in the episode "The Duh-Vinci Code". It was revealed that da Vinci was actually an alien from the Planet Vinci, where he was ridiculed for being the dumbest man on the planet. He traveled to Earth and became the most genius inventor of our time; to which he finally traveled back to his home world when he could not handle the stupidity of the "Earthicans" anymore. He later created a doomsday machine on Vinci in which Fry would thwart, Fry-style. Da Vinci would accidentally die by being crushed by his own machine. (This is historical fact)*







#22 Tinny Tim 

'Futurama's' take on the classic "A Christmas Carol" character, Tiny Tim. Tinny Tim is a robot that is actually programmed to be a poor beggar. He walks with a limp and cane and is also the center of much verbal abuse from those around him, most notably Bender.








#21 Sal  

Sal is the blue collar worker of the 'Futurama' universe. He is seen throughout the series as having various jobs such as: janitor, truck driver, bus driver, maintenance man, construction worker. He lives in New New York and is the stereotypical 20th century New Yorker, often using "S's" where they don't belong.





#20 Elzar

This character really dates this show. Elzar is of course 'Futurama's' equivalent of Emeril Lagasse, world famous chef, whose cooking show was a hit sensation in the early 2000's. Elzar emulates every essence of Emeril, from his signature catch phrases "Kick it up a notch, Bam!" to his show "The Essence of Elzar" and his love of spices (with a weasel). Elzar was the perfect satirical version of one of the time's most well known celebrities.








#19 Donbot 

The leader of the Robot Mafia, the Donbot is exactly what he is. The Don Bot. He is your Vito Corleone, Tony Soprano and Al Capone of robots; a fat Italian that runs a crime syndicate.







#18 Scruffy

Scruffy is the unseen and uncared about Janitor of the Planet Express crew. He is primarily known for his avoidance of doing anything related to his actual job.








#17 Hedonism Bot 

Hedonism Bot is a lessened down version of the famous Roman Emperor Caligula who was known for his Hedonistic ways. Hedonism Bot is programmed to love food, wine and sex, especially orgies. He is pictured as your stereotypical fat, lazy, arrogant Caesar who must never be disagreed with.










#16 Robot Santa

This is every child's nightmare. Programmed to have such insanely high judgment, it is near-impossible to make the "nice list" and those who don't must prepare to die. Combined with Kwanzaa-Bot and Chanukah Zombie, they form the Holy Trinity.








#15 Pazuzu 

Pazuzu is the gargoyle in which Professor Farnsworth owned and put through college. He was granted his freedom for saving the Professor's life, and is now bound to grant the Professor 3 wishes. This shows off the very outside the box creative writing from the 'Futurama' staff.










#14 Hyper-Chicken

Hyper-Chicken! The stereotypical Southern attorney, you know, the kind that is always given the voice of Colonel Sanders from the Louisiana bayou.










 "Pramela" Haha.

 


#13 Famous Heads 

This one is kind of a cheat. Basically any notable celebrity was featured as a preserved head in this show; including every President of the United States. Their presence on the show was one of the many ways 'Futurama' could stay within our time and be relevant to current events, while still being set 1000 years into the future. Notable Heads include: Leonard Nimoy, George Takei, Al Gore, Conan O'Brien, Sylvester Stallone, William Shatner, Napolean, David Duchovny and probably a hundred more.







#12 Richard Nixon 

Speaking of the Famous Heads, I did mention that all of the President's were featured. The most prominent being that of our 37th President, Richard Nixon. Nixon is the President of Earth in this imagining of the 31st Century, and he is crazier than ever. A perfect use of one of America's most criticized and scandalous Presidents. He is often scrutinized by popular culture for being almost dictator like, having also had a much more serious comparable role in 'Watchmen'. I think Nixon gets a bad rap, he wasn't that bad guys.







#11 Headless Body of Spiro Agnew 

I find this character absolutely hysterical and smart. Richard Nixon's actual Vice President Spiro Agnew is once again his Vice President of Earth. However, Spiro dies during his time as Earth VP and is left a headless monster in the vain of Frankenstein. Even without a head, he is still capable of making Frankenstein types grunts.








#10 Zapp Brannigan 

The most cocky, self-assured General of the Democratic Order of the Planets and Captain of the Nimbus. In reality he is one of the dumbest and weakest men in the world. A self-obsessed ladies man, he is also one of the series most popular and most featured characters.









#9 Hypnotoad 

Hyptnotoad is constantly...hypnotizing. With the power to hypnotize anybody and everyone at once, the Hypnotoad could be the most powerful being in the 31st Century. He is also a highly recognizable public figure having many shows and TV appearances in the 'Futurama' world.











#8 The Harlem Globetrotters

Featured in, perhaps, my favorite episode of 'Futurama' ever, "Time Keeps on Slippin'", the Harlem Globetrotters, living on the Globetrotter Homeworld, are not only the Universe's best basketball players; they are also some of the greatest scientific minds.










#7 Nibbler 

Nibbler is not only the cutest member of the Planet Express crew but also the oldest and most wisest. Nibbler was introduced as Leela's pet, and as the series went on, his deep and rich history was revealed. He is a member of the Nibblonian race; one of the Universe's oldest. He is one of the most interesting characters with a very developed background.














#6 Roberto

The criminally insane robot who is constantly trying to stab anyone in his way. He is one of the most comedic characters in the shows diverse history.











#5 Calculon

The over-acting, over-confident actor. Calculon was one of the greatest robot actors of all-time, starring on the hit show, "All My Circuits". However horrible his acting may be, unbeknownst to him, he does deliver the finest acting performance of his career in the series final season episode, "Calculon 2.0". You also have to love his very Shatner-esque dramatic pause.










#4 Robot Devil (Beelzebot) 

The Robot Devil is one of the series best creations. He is the ruler of Robot Hell and he is a notorious gambler who thinks of unique and creative ways to punish his robot souls. He is featured throughout the series, which are some of the best episodes of all time.







#3 Lrrr 

The overlord of Planet Omicron Persei 8. Lrrr has a desire to conquer all planets and has an affinity for 20th Century Earthican TV. In reality, he is a divorced and re-married father of Ndnd and notorious couch potato. His violent temper and outrage at the events of his favorite television shows consistently provokes him to attack Earth.












#2 Francis X. Clampazzo (Clamps) 

This is one of my favorite characters on the show because, as you can see, I clearly like my 'Futurama' as satirical and stereotypical as possible. This may be one of the most over-the-top characters on the show and I love him for it. The angry and small, but fierce and crazy, member of the Robot Mafia, Clamps is the equivalent to Joe Pesci in 'Goodfellas' or 'Casino'. He is always looking to clamp somebody for the Donbot.






#1 Morbo the Annihilator

'Futurama's' most beloved news anchor, who openly and outwardldy wants to kill them all and take over their planet. His news reports are filled with disgust and hatred towards the Earthicans and I think it's some of the funniest stuff 'Futurama' has ever done. I love this character, and I hope we have not seen the last of him.










Is this really the end for 'Futurama'? History says, "No" and I think they might be right. As the Series Finale said from the title card, "Avenge Us". It is confirmed we will see the Planet Express crew again on an upcoming episode of 'The Simpsons' this season and something tells me we might see them showing up on Fox in a time slot of their own again. Only the future knows.

Can you name them all?

*This is not historical fact, idiot.

The Best of 'Drunk History' Season 1

After a few weeks here at 'The Web' I've almost figured out how to balance my time. Expect 3-4 posts per week. That's what I'm shooting for. If you're following on Facebook, I'll let you know when I'm publishing new posts. If you're not following on Facebook, you should. I try to do a micro-blog there, where I give you the latest movie and television news and other topical content; as well as some quality videos to keep you entertained throughout the day and night. This blog and the page go hand-in-hand, so interact on it and get involved.

Anyway, let's talk about 'Drunk History'. This show has instantly become one of my favorites on TV. That is why I am posting this, it deserves it's own post.

'Drunk History' started as an online video on funnyordie.com. It became such a success that it was featured on the HBO show 'Funny or Die Presents' which ran for 2 seasons. Creator, Derek Waters, has one brilliant mind for devising a show such as this. It's fucking genius. It really is. With a bachelor's degree in History I can also say that these stories are, for the most part, historically "accurate".

This is a must-watch show for any history buff out there. It's wasted-ass drunk people, telling historical stories, with famous celebrities acting them out. What is not to like about this show? Seriously. Even if you're not a history buff, you can still enjoy this show and actually learn something from it! Yes, you can learn history by watching drunk people talk. Excellent. If I was a history teacher, I would absolutely use this show as a way to teach my students. It will entertain them, keep their attention and teach them. This is me asking you, history teachers out there, to please use this as an educational tool, since I can not; thank you.

This show is really not something I can put down into words. Each episode takes place in a different city around the country, and the stories focus on events surrounding that city's history. The funniest elements are how the actors mimic the slurring speech, repeated words and incorrect pronunciations. As well as the laziness they use to describe a number of facts condensed into one thought. Like I said, the humor on this show is not something I can write about to make you understand. You just have to see it for yourself. So, with that, I give you,

"THE TOP 5 STORIES FROM 'DRUNK HISTORY' SEASON 1"

First up, let's take a look at how the show began on funnyordie.com (This sketch still ranks as one of my favorites of all time. Will Ferrell and Don Cheadle as Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglas. This is a classic. Will Ferrell and frequent collaborator, Adam Mckay, also serve as Executive Producers to the series. Story told by Jen Kirkman.

Click HERE to see the sketch on Youtube (Embedding was disabled)

Next up, since I really couldn't narrow this down to five. Here's two Honorable Mentions. 

**Note: These clips are not full videos. It is only what Comedy Central provides online.**

HONORABLE MENTION - MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. AND J. EDGAR HOOVER

The relationship between, Martin Luther King Jr. and J. Edgar Hoover, featuring Lamorne Morris (Winston from 'New Girl') as MLK Jr. and Rob Riggle ('The Hangover', '21 Jump Street') as J. Edgar Hoover. Story told by James Atkinson. Featured in Episode 3 "Atlanta"
 

HONORABLE MENTION - AL CAPONE

The hilarious story of Al Capone and his fight with syphilis. Featuring Jo Lo Truglio ('Superbad', 'Role Models') as Al Capone. Story told by Tommy Blacha. Featured in Episode 2 "Chicago".